RANSVESTIA

for real. See, Celia thought I was like Christine Jorgensen and she thought she was helping me to emerge into a new kind of woman- hood. I guess. Even though we were making out almost every night and twice on weekends, that didn't give her the message that I wasn't queer or a transsexual.

"I didn't know this, either, of course. And I was eager to be a woman- to have reality meet my fantasies. But reality intervened. I met a man, whom I imagined I was in love with. I went with him for six months. Celia even made the arrangements for me to have the last surgery that changes man to woman, but luckily, I told David all about myself." There was sardonic humor in her voice. "I wanted to be so pure and honest, a good and submissive wife. He beat me up. He fractured my skull and put me in the hospital for six months. My condition was the talk of the place, of course, and they just naturally brought psychiatrists in to see me. They tested and retested me and then came up with the astonishing conclusion that I ought not to be operated on. And I didn't want it, either, I was happy being a miserable freak.

"Natalie is one of the radiologists in the General. She was the one who largely got me through this period, by treating me as me, as a person, not a freak." My eyes, accustomed to the gloom now, could see her soft, feminine profile as she spoke. Her eyes were glistening with tears. "I've been out with men since, even let them kiss me, and, I guess, I responded a little bit like any woman would. But," she sighed heavily, "I only went along with Earl because of you, because I thought you wanted me to at first. And when you were going to marry Roy..."

"Never," I interrupted.

"Never," she turned toward me in the bed and I felt her foot touch mine. There was a tingling in my whole body. "I couldn't seem to talk with you before," she whispered huskily. "I couldn't get you to see me as I really am. You treated me just like a woman. You even got me to date your friends."

"No," I almost shouted. "I didn't want you to go out with Earl. It was wrong."

-21-